I Will Always Love You
by kaida-amarante
Summary: After James, who Kendall loves so dearly, is killed, will Kendall ever be allowed his happy ending? Warnings: Character death and some language. Kinda graphic suicide. Summary kinda sucks...


No…this couldn't be happening…This is all some bad dream. That casket isn't there. I touch it. Okay, yes it is. But it's empty! I look inside. Okay, it's not. But that isn't James! That can't be James! I hadn't even realized that I was screaming and crying until my vision blurred and my throat caught on fire, burning with his name, screams of despair filling the chapel as I looked down at the cold body of my long-time boyfriend. I heard cries of my own name, shouts of that cold word. So cold, since it wasn't his voice I heard. James…James…you can't be dead…it isn't true. I just want to wake up from this horrible dream…

It was hours later when I woke, bundled under the covers on my bed, two of my bandmates leaning over me worriedly. "Kendall? Are you okay?" That voice belonged to Logan. I remember that much. And Carlos was there too…but, James…Where's James? I must've been speaking out loud, because Carlos and Logan gave each other a sad look. "Do you not remember?" Logan again. "He was…Kendall, don't make me tell you again! We were at his funeral and you freaked and fainted. He's still gone, Kendall!"

Gone? James? No! That's couldn't be! "Stop lying! He's just down by the pool, tanning! He's not…!" I started crying then, my soul churning with a deep, aching depression.

"Kendall, we all want him back, we really do." It was Carlos's voice this time, his hand laid on my shaking back. "But you need to realize that he's gone. The rest of us have already accepted it. You need to also. Please, Kendall."

These bastards! "He's not gone! Stop lying and trying to make me believe that he's dead! He's not…!" The reality of the situation suddenly hit me. "Oh God, he's dead. James…is dead! Oh God! No! No!" I was screaming again, my throat on fire as his name echoed around the room. How had he died? How? Why can't I remember?

Ah…that's right. We were…walking around, doing a bit of shopping in town. It was a normal day until…Until we were cornered. Those men, calling us fags, threatening us…We hadn't even been walking hand in hand or anything like that. They started beating me. There were too many surrounding me. I couldn't see James. Why did I stand there and take it? Why didn't I fight back? That's right; I was too worried about James. I hardly even remember blacking out.

When I woke, I was lying in a hospital bed, the white of the room nearly blinding. Mom and Katie were by my bedside crying and Logan and Carlos were standing by the door, eyes red and puffy as though they had been crying too. "James…where's James?" I remember my confusion, not knowing what had happened that day. "What happened? Why am I in a hospital?"

Katie and Mom started crying even harder then and even Carlos started crying. Logan was the one who answered my questions. "You and James…we're not sure what happened, but the two of you were found in an alley. You were beat up really badly and James…was stabbed multiple times…beaten…he was gone before he reached the hospital. I'm so sorry."

This was all some sick dream. Any minute now, James will wake me up and laugh about how long I slept in…How I wish that would happen. But I know it won't. "Logan, Carlos, please, can you leave me alone for a while?" Logan studied me for a minute and nodded, dragging a hesitant Carlos out of the room with him. The first thing I did was get up and dig a pen and a piece of paper out from one of my desk drawers.

_Please forgive me. I don't think I can live life anymore. Not without James by my side. It would be too hard. I'm sorry. Without him, I'm nothing. I can't go on like this. I know that it will make things more difficult on all of you, but for once please let me be selfish. When you read this, I will hopefully be dead already. I love you all, but I love James more…_

_Farewell,_

_Kendall_

I finished writing the note and swore I heard James's voice whisper my name. But I was just hearing things, I know. I was becoming delusional in this depressed and suicidal state. He was in Heaven now, safe and sound. He always was an angel to me…I tape the note to the front of my bedroom door and swing it closed before digging in one of James's drawers to find his 'emergency' blade. The one he had always used when things got too hard. He had stopped cutting after we had gotten together, but liked to keep it around just in case. Now it was my turn to use it. I rolled my sleeves up and held the cold blade between my fingers, taking a deep breath as it hovered above my wrist.

"Kendall, what the hell are you doing?" James? O, I'm just delusional. I press the blade into my left wrist, gasping a bit at the pain before sliding it downwards toward my elbow, leaving a long, bleeding slit. I then repeated the action shakily on my right wrist. I felt myself growing weaker and weaker as my blood left my body, but, I have to admit that I felt so free in that moment. "Kendall…Kenny…why?" That was James's voice, I swear. I'd know his voice anywhere.

"I love you, James." Everything went black.

Then suddenly everything was white. I looked around a bit, wondering where I was. "Kendall." I spin. James is standing behind me, anger and disapproval on his handsome face. "Why'd you kill yourself, Kendall?"

"I…I couldn't live without you…I know that you hate me for this, but…"

"I don't hate you, Kendall." He pulls me into a tight hug. "I could never hate you. I will always love you." I smile and rest my head on his chest, knowing we'll be together forever.


End file.
